Prospecting company Nukes4U has uncovered a large uranium deposit in Arctic Federation's south-west.
"This is a terrific find!" claims Nukes4U CEO Louis Narup. "It will provide an enormous stimulus to our economy and create thousands of new jobs. It's win-win! All we need from the government is permission to bulldoze the forest that's on top of the deposit." "You've got to be kidding," says Green politician Al Wu. "This forest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs--well, that really sticks in my craw." "There's no need for an either-or decision," says the government's Minister for Mining, Clear-Felling, and the Environment. "We can preserve most of the forest and allow mining of a small part. After all, think of all the good that the money from this uranium deposit can bring to Arctic Federation." In line with the region's strong mining heritage, it is expected that a middle ground will be found.
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In a thrilling Grand Prix, the Glacier GP Team showed an incredible amount of fight and tenacity as Mathieya McMillan secured the team's first points in their debut race. He had been running unremarkably in the back half of the field before he told his team that he wanted to pit four laps earlier than planned for fresh soft tyres. The resultant increase in lap-time meant that he was able to leap as high as fifth in the race; he eventually slipped back down to sixth.
"I just had a hunch that I might be able to push it a bit on fresh tyres, and that's what I decided to do. The worst that could happen was that I'd hold my position," McMillan told journalists. Meanwhile, rookie Kha Mervin endured a tougher race after damaging a piece of the undercarriage of his Ford-manufactured vehicle in a brave overtaking move. He limped home in twelfth place, out of the points. He briefly mentioned being "gutted" on his way back to the team garage. After a disastrous free practice this morning in which he skidded straight into the gravel trap, Kha Mervin went into the afternoon's qualifying session with a point to prove on his Grand Prix debut. And prove it he did, with a succession of flying laps that were good enough to get him all the way into the Top Eight Shootout, each time by the skin of his teeth.
Mathieya McMillan dropped out in the second session, which leaves him on the sixth row of the grid. "It's not the end of the world, though," he told the press at the circuit, "because I'm still only one place off the points. And Kha's already in the points, of course. So really, there's no reason we can't have a very good Grand Prix here." It's time for the government to hire a new religious advisor. The government has narrowed down the candidates to:
Catholic Archbishop Calvin Eliot: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased church attendances in his constituencies through the "Reaching God Through Guilt" program. Seen as a solid choice. New Age thinker Erica Dimitrov: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. "For me, it's not about the name of your religion. It's about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people." Finally, there's Marlon Oxen. "If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign," the ex-schoolteacher has declared. "Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I'll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it." Initial indications are that Miss Dimitrov is favourite to land the role, owing to her ability to accommodate the many faiths present in the Arctic Federation. In pre-season testing for the Royal Cup, the Glacier Grand Prix team has put in an excellent set of times.
In the opening session, young gun Kha Mervin finished up in third place with a time of 1:38.199. Second driver McMillan was around two seconds off the pace, with a time of 1:40.019, which put him in tenth place out of sixteen drivers. The session passed without any real complication, with most drivers just getting to grips with the circuit under a heavy fuel load. In the second session of the day, there were dry runs for single-lap qualifying, which meant low fuel loads, aggressive driving and much faster lap times. Kha Mervin again recorded third place, this time with a lap of 1:35.791. McMillan struggled again, this time finishing the session in twelfth place, clocking 1:37.193. It was a hairy session at times for Mervin, who ran exceptionally wide around Turn 10, but managed to point it back in the right direction before he ended up in the gravel. Team Principal Geoffrey Whatham stated that he was "pleased with the performance of the cars so close to the start of the season. Mervin was far quicker than we could have hoped, while McMillan was calm and composed as usual." The increasingly militant Animal Liberation Front struck again last night, freeing dozens of chickens bound for delicious snack packs.
"These nuts have got to be stopped," demands concerned consumer Chris Steele. "They need to face the fact people want snack packs, no matter how many innocent chickens must be sacrificed. Besides, chickens would do the same to us if they had the chance." "These Liberationists are highlighting an important issue," pleads Randy Han. "Too often, animals are put through needless cruelty, just to make their flesh taste a little more deliciously succulent. I'm sure we could ban the more horrific abuses without putting too much of a dent in our national obesity figures. Couldn't we?" "Animals have feelings too!" yells protestor Stephanie Dovey, before being set upon by hungry passers-by. "Free the animals! Ban meat-eating!" Economist Lars Summers has an alternative. "You don't need to take away the people's right to choose. You just need to build the costs of animal suffering into the price. A tax on meat-eating, in proportion to the amount of cruelty involved, would do the trick. Plus think of the benefit for the national coffers! Of course, poor people wouldn't be able to afford meat, but that's just more incentive for them to get jobs." The government intends to put into place a minimum standard for animal conditions. The latest "Harry Potter" book to hit schools across Arctic Federation has stirred up a storm in a teacup.
"I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding," says religious leader Doris Singh. "Now that's just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it." Teachers union President Peggy Patel says, "Come on, the book is fantasy! And it's a damn good read. I'd like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos." Unsurprisingly, the government dismissed the calls for the book to be banned. A loose coalition of sartorially-challenged individuals known as "Let It All Hang Out" has called on the government to relax public nudity laws.
"For too long, our bodies have been trapped in these prisons of cotton and polyester!" yells protester Chastity Licorish, while apparently developing a nasty case of sunburn. "We must repeal the puritanical laws that make public nudity a crime. My body--my choice to dangle!" "I agree," muses sociology professor Billy-Bob Clinton. "But I don't think the protestors are going far enough. Public nudity shouldn't be an option: it should be compulsory. Nudity is highly liberating. And it would put that disgusting "Hooters" out of business once and for all." "Whoa, whoa," says noted accountant Stefanie Sato. "Are these people serious? The last thing I want to see when I'm out for a coffee is some lumbering, over-weight nudist coming down the sidewalk toward me. If people want to get naked, they can do it in the privacy of their own homes. Think of the children!" The government has indicated that if people wish to get their kit off in an Arctic climate, they are more than welcome. Cheap, foreign-made cars are becoming increasingly popular, causing concern in Arctic Federation's automobile manufacturing industry.
"Unless this government does something, Arctic Federation won't have an auto industry for much longer," says auto industry union boss Mohammed Zhimo, in a rare public appearance alongside management. "These foreign companies employ people for a few Narups a day. The only way to level the playing field is to raise tariffs. The government would make more money, too, so it's win-win." "For once, I agree with my grubby colleague here," says General Chassis CEO Rochelle de Jong. "Although I have to say, tariffs aren't the only answer. A more effective solution would be to abolish minimum wage laws. Now that would level the playing field. And we'd be able to employ more people." "I think we need to face facts," says noted economist and chat-show regular Ruby Strength. "We live in a global economy now, and automobile manufacturing just isn't Arctic Federation's strong suit. There's no point taking money from taxpayers in order to line the pockets of a few greedy workers and corrupt managers in a doomed industry. Let the market take its own course." The government has not yet released a statement on the issue. Far-right-wing Nazi supporters plan to stage a rally in Yellowknife city center tomorrow, giving voice to their violent, racist views.
"Frankly, I'm appalled that the government can even consider allowing this travesty to go ahead," says prominent Jewish personality Josh Falopian. "We can't let these animals broadcast their message of hate. Surely Arctic Federation is too civilized for that." "It's exactly because we're civilized that we must let the demonstration proceed," says free speech campaigner Natalia Yeats. "We may not like what they have to say, but in this society, people have the right to argue whatever political view they want, no matter how hateful, selfish, or stupid it is." The government has indicated its intention to stop the demonstration. |
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